Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Mayhem!

joplin...."This is bad, really bad. She's packing up all our nip and Temptations."

smudge...."I told you to quit biting on Ollie. It's all your fault she's mailing our presents away."

joplin...."This is just heart breaking. The bonito flakes are in here too."

joplin...."Only one thing to do. Goodbye Ozarks!"

smudge...."I sure hope she pays for priority mail."

Friday, December 16, 2011

Beast vs Brat

biped...."Have I mentioned lately that Baby Joplin is a brat?"

biped...."It appears however..."

biped...."that he has a little way to go before he can out wrestle brother Heesh."

biped...."Oh my is that a temper tantrum?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

To swat or not....

annie...."Ahhhhh, time for sweet dreams. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

annie....."zzzzzzzzz, hmmmmm?"

annie...."If the biped wasn't sitting there with the flashy box you'd be sooo deaded."

joplin...."Ah but she is ole pillow pal so tonight I'm safe."

biped...."Poor Joplin is suffering from shell shock, or better yet paw swats. He's been swatted so many times by Annie that if a piece of paper falls off the table he thinks it's Annie and he flattens himself out and covers his ears with his paws. You'd think that after a 100 or so swats he'd get the point but oh no, he's going to pester her no matter what. And I guess why not. He's out alpha'd everycat in the house except for her.

Monday, December 12, 2011

No Christmas for da Ozarks?

joplin....."Did you hear what I heard big brother?"


joplin....."Santa's not coming to the Ozarks this year!"

smudge....."WHAT! WHY! That can't be right!"

smudge...."Where did you hear that?"

joplin....."From da biped. She said that Donner got blitz'd by a camoflaged jeep up on da road."


joplin....."Yeah, I had to ask her a second time too. Smooshed, squooshed. It's curtains for Donner. He's laying up at the top of the hill."

smudge...."I don't believe it. You know how da biped's always getting things wrong. He probably just got tired and is up there taking a nap."

biped...."Well he'd better wake up really quickly cuz a guy stoped and threw him in the back of his truck and drove away."

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

He's my brudder...

smudge...."I luv you brudder."

heesh...."Quit fibb'n brudder. You just want to snuggle in my warm furs cuz da biped's a cheapskate and won't turn the heater on."

Monday, November 28, 2011

How did that Happen?

crash..., buzzzz, buzzzzz

biped...."Dang it! It won't go away?"

biped...."Hello, Yes my computer is stuck. Is there a message? Well yes there is. Oh, what does it say? "How did you get here? No sir, I didn't mean you. That's the message on my stuck computer. How did I get there? Do you want the short answer or the long one. Oh you want the short one. Cats. What do you mean you don't understand. Maybe the long version would be better. Cat fight on the keyboard. Does that help? Why were the cats on the keyboard? Well it could have something to do with the turkey sandwich I was eating. Yes sir, I've heard that one shouldn't eat at the computer. Excuse me? You want me to do what? Oh hang up the phone, turn off the computer and call you back if the message shows up again."


tech support...."Hey Jake, I gotta take a break."

tech support #2....."Another ruff call?"

tech support....."Nah, just another crazy cat lady."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Is it Turkey Time?

joplin...."Its time? The people are all here? Did you save me a place at the table. Wait a minute! I don't smell anything. Oh no! I slept thru dinner and the turkey is all gone!"

Ollie...."Quit your squaking! It's still dark outside. We've got another 12 hours to starve."

smudge...."Kids! From all the yell'n you'd think it was Christmas."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How to cook a turkey Ozark style...

joplin...."Did ya see da big bird in the ice box?"

heesh....."Shor did little brother."

joplin...."Does the biped have a clue how to cook it?"

heesh....."I saw her reading the recipes in the paper this afternoon. Surely she'll find a good one."

biped...."Here's a few of the recipes from the local news paper. You poor city folk probably don't have the luxury of getting such good directions."

by Ryan...
Here is how you cook a turkey. First, you get the turkey at the Raymondville Grocery Store You tear the plastic off the turkey. You stuff the turkey with pig meat. Next , you put it in an oven that is 500 degrees hot. You cook the turkey for 200 minutes. While the turkey is cooking you read a book. Last you take the turkey out of the oven and cut it up. You eat turkey after you put salt and A1 sauce on it."

by Abbigale....
First, you get your turkey at the store. You shave the turkey's fur off. Next you turn the oven to 175 degrees. You put the turkey in the oven for 1 minute. If the turkey is still moving you cook it a little longer. Then you put the turkey in the middle of the table. Last, you cut it up and then you can eat it up."

by Alex...
Frist buy a cooler a turkey. Then you get Hwiian BBq sace. You put it in the cooler then you put in the sacer and mararati it in the sace with some ice. You let it maranat for 20-40 minits. Then take it out and cook it. You smoke it with skin less wood cips. Smoke it for 30-70 minits.
Then you have feast! Yum...

by Aaron... (whom I think sits really close to Alex)

You skin a turkey. But if you wont you can by th turkeys. And cook the turkey. Four one huher and put salt and peeper. Put some sos on it for you can put some barbacue sos on the side when your done with the turkey you can eat it.

by Christopher a true Ozarkian...
First hunt down a turkey. Then you take off the fethers off. The you chop of it's head. Then you take away the nasty stuff out. And now you put it in the oven The tempiter has to be one hundred twenty three. And then you have a delishos turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving .... Part II

joplin....."Hey, she's coming. Pretend you're sleeping and she won't give you some dumb chore to do."

smudge....."Huh?! What?"

biped...."Oh Smudgie, I'm glad you're awake. Do you think you can dust the bookshelf with that big fluffy tail?"


biped...."I quess that would be no in cattalk."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Preparing for da Howlidays...

joplin...."According to the old folks around here we have to start spiffin' up da house for da company."

joplin...."I'm going to start doing dat spiffin' thing just as soon as I get my hairs all washed."

joplin...."Hey biped, you better get dumb and dumber busy help'ng ya cuz this hair thing may take a while."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Where's your Sunday Smile?

biped...."You sure look in a bad mood Ollie. Where's your Sunday smile?"

ollie...."I don't know biped. I keep having a stabbing pain in my tail."

Friday, November 11, 2011

Yes it was a Thankful Thursday!

biped...."If Grandma and I were cats, I do believe we used up at least a couple of our lives with the old heater. There were smoke marks about 18 inches high on the wall behind the heater and a big mess inside the old heater cabinet."

biped...."This is one time we're happy that I'm a chronic insomniac. Hopefully this is the last heater tale."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Will it be Thankful Thursday?

joplin...."Is it 8 yet? Did I hear a truck in the yard?

biped...."Be quiet Joplin. It's still dark outside."

joplin...."I'm sure it's 8. We don't want to be in bed when the heaterman comes.."

biped....."The man said he'll be here at 8. Thats 8 am Ozark time, which means that it could be next Thursday before he shows up. But just in case, there's no way I'm going to jinx his coming by being up and ready for him."

joplin..."What was that? Did you'all here dat?"

major....."Shut up Joplin!"

Freezing in da Ozarks...

joplin...."I hate to be a sour puss but I've just about had it with one bun freezing and the other one just about to burst into flames."

joplin...."If da biped doesn't get busy and find a repairman I'm going to start working on the heater myself."


joplin....."Hey Major! Can you fix a heater with a drill?

major......"Hmmmm, I think you need a big hammer too. Da biped always has a hammer to wack things with."

biped...."I'm not telling the catkids yet (no sense getting their hopes up just in case), but a replacement heater has been found and will be picked up tomorrow. If we're lucky it will be installed on Thursday by the new repairman."

Friday, November 4, 2011


biped...."I miraculously or perhaps purrposely got an appointment with the good vet. No horse vet needed today and it appears that Major's eye is going to be fine. The scratch was inside the eyelid and not on the eye itself. Since we were there she got all her shots so she can spend the days out on the porch away from Annie. We're going to buy a package of that felway stuff to see if it improves Annie's and Ollie's mood today Major."

Please Purr for Major....

biped...."Please purr for Major. Tonight him and Ollie got in an argument and Ollie scratched him in the corner of his eye. Please purr that it didn't hurt his eyeball and that I can get an appointment at the vet tomorrow."

ps,,,"The heater is still deaded. The new repairman was supposed to call today with replacement suggestions but he didn't. Yeah when it rains it pours...wait a minute I should correct that. When it rains it snows....We had our first snow flurry this morning."

ppps...."If you ever need a space heater to warm your house, buy a Lasko. That little guy has done a terrific job."

Friday, October 28, 2011

Quess What!

joplin...."Do you notice the frown on my face?"

joplin...."The biped has one too."

joplin...."Do you notice that I'm wearing a coat?"

joplin....."The biped has one too."

joplin...."Wanna take a quess at what went snap, crackle, pop and smelt really bad about 4 am?"

Thursday, October 27, 2011

We have heat.....

biped...."for now. How long it will last is a mystery. It took three visits by the repairman plus he spent saturday and sunday at home drawing diagrams of the heater. He even drew diagrams while he was fishing on Saturday. Following is Joplin's interpretation of the Heater Whisperer who laid on our floor for hours talking quietly to the heater."

Joplin...."The man was a contortionist. He was real nice but kinda dumb. He laid on the floor right in the way of our food dishes. At first Grandma said, "Don't bother the nice man. He's fixing our heater. Then after a while she said why don't you get in there and help him."

joplin...."This is what grandma looked like after his third visit."

joplin....."This is what the poor man looked like after his last visit."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thankful Thursday....

Joplin....."Look at my new bed! I used to have to sleep in a crummy basket and now I get to sleep in a huge bed."

joplin...."I think I'm going to invite my new friends to spend the night.

Joplin...."Boy they sure were quick taking me up on my offer."

All Hissy in da Ozarks

major...."I am no longer the baby. Life will never be the same."

annie....."What in the world is that?"

major...."I wonder what will happen if I wap it?"

smudge...."Don't think that you can distract me with a fake bug. There's a real intruder in our house."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ozark Bun Warmer

smudge...."I bet you quessed that Uncle didn't fix the heater. He only had time to fix one thing so he worked on the leaking tubs. He had to take the faucet off grandma'ss and there was a little slit in the tub where the water could leak. A little sealant handled that problem. Since we had it all apart we bought grandma a new faucet. Well I guess I'll get back to the bun warmer. Oh quess who moved in for the winter. Yep baby Joplin is making himself at home in the biped's bed. It may get kinda ugly about midnight when Annie comes to claim her spot in the bed."

smudge...."Oh yes, we'll be careful not to burn our bums. The little heater swishes back and forth so we don't get too close."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Surprize visitor

ollie....."Handy Uncle surprized us wif a visit. Please say lots of purrz for him dat da biped doesn't work him to death fixing all da broken things around da place. If we're lucky he'll be able to fix the deaded heater."

smudge...."I'd give him a whole pack of Temptations if he fixed it. Dat is if'n I actually had a pack."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Don't you wish you were an Ozark Mtn Cat?

annie....."It's good to be me."

annie...."There that should do it."

annie...."No way will the biped take it away from me now."

annie...."I gots cats slobber all over it." "Don't worry peeps. It's a good sucker. It's orange cream."

Friday, October 14, 2011

Friday Night in da Ozarks

major...."Hey biped! Did you buy plenty of ice cream?"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thankless Thursday....

major...."Hmmmm, brother Ollie in camoflage."

major....."Giggle....he thinks I can't see him."

major....."get ready...set....."


ollie...."Trust me, you'll pay for that!"